19/07/16

[TRIGGER WARNING, Self harm referred to in the end]

I didn’t get to sleep till 1:30 or 2am. I cannot remember. I decided to go to the supermarket absurdly late (or early depending on perspective) so that I have some groceries to facilitate my re-commitment to healthy eating.

I quickly fell asleep and made sure to set multiple alarms so that I could be sure I awoke in time for work. As expected, I missed them all and stumbled out of bed at 6:50 am. With my bus reaching my stop at 7, there was no chance I’d make it so I decided to get an uber instead.

Work was average and flew by quickly as there was much to do with it being the last week of term. It was a furnace when I stepped out after my shift had ended. The Sun’s rays shone mercilessly on my forehead, quickly turning my reactive lenses pitch black.

I’d planned to walk home and spend some long-awaited time on Pokemon Go but the sweltering heat prevented from doing so.

My tin box of a room is rather insulating so I spent the first hr of my time at home on the faux-leather couch in my living room enjoying the breeze from the window that overlooked the park across the road.

The rest of my evening was fairly boring as evenings go. I ovened some pizza for my meal, did some cleaning and watched a couple episodes of the Anime The Asterik War.

My day would have continued along in its banal direction and I would have probably failed to start this daily blog were it not for an argument I had with an acquaintance. It resulted in him blocking me and calling me a “weird fucking person”.

I have mixed feelings.

On one hand, I felt upset and saddened by his words and began to internalise the insult. One of my biggest insecurities is my autism and the fact that in many ways I feel like an automaton who does a poor job at human mimicry. When I’m reminded that I’m weird and unhumanlike it strikes a negative chord with me and I get really down. I am struck with the desire to prolong the feeling with pain by harming myself.

On the other hand, I feel largely apathetic. It is what it is. As he harboured these negative feelings towards me, an acquaintanceship or friendship wouldn’t have worked out. I knew what he wanted me to do and I’m reluctant to change my personality in order to fit into other peoples’ moulds.

I think it’s for the best but it has given me some food for thought. While I do wish to be true to myself and integral for closer friendships, I do think that being less than truthful like neurotypicals do might be necessary in order to survive socially.

I will write more on this in a future post.

July Update – Antidepressants (part 4)

I was eager for the diarrhoea to stop so once I was prescribed Citalopram I wasted no time in switching.

My digestive issues cleared up almost instantly and my anxiety remained low so I naively thought that my troubles were behind me. Oh, how I was wrong!

The day after I began taking the new medication I found myself occasionally laughing randomly. I found it a bit odd but thought nothing further of it. But this strange behaviour persisted that week and it became apparent that I’d developed mood swings. I would alternate between polar opposite emotions: happiness and melancholy, anger and elation, envy and gratitude for no discernible reason.

It also bled out into my interactions with others such as when I tearfully confronted a close friend of mine who’d been distant for some days. It was only after I’d returned to my more neutral, impassive state of mind that I realise I’d overreacted and apologised.

That weekend, the positive part of my mood swings stopped and the only emotions I felt were negative. It was like a -|xsinx| graph (x>0) where each spell had a greater negative amplitude.

I felt like there was a knife in my head and someone was twisting it around and around and causing me immense pain. I am somewhat masochistic and while initially I revelled in the misery of it all my limit was quickly breached and I just hoped that something would take the pain away. I have not cried so much in years.

For a period of time I even contemplated ending it all however my rational mind prevented me from making such a rash decision.

I tested the waters by revealing to a couple friends that I was somewhat down but their responses weren’t received well in the state I was. I was sensitive and on edge and everything people did was enraging or painful. I decided to delete Whatsapp for a few days as a result.

The worst of it seems to be over but now I’m left with a propensity for depression and melancholy. At work, I have to take breaks to cry occasionally and I am semi-regularly antisocial.

Truthfully i am not sure what is best:

1)To be trapped by anxiety, have few emotions, but have healthy bowel movements.

2)To have little anxiety, be happier but struggle with IBS-like problems.

3)To have little anxiety, be mostly neutral with infrequent dips into sadness and depression but retain healthy bowel movements.

I have since visited my Dr who assures me that my mind will calm down.

She’s upped my dosage and suggests that in my few weeks my mood will stabilise and when I’m on the optimal dosage of Citalopram, the happiness I’d manage to gain on Sertraline will return.

I can only hope she’s right…