Regressing – maybe a good thing for me?

I was about to hit send on an email a few hours ago to a FWB. In it I explained that I’d come to the realisation that he meant more to me than I, him. I felt that sending such an email would allow me to gain some closure but I stopped myself from hitting the button.

Why?

I realised that it wasn’t worth it. It likely wouldn’t elicit the response I hoped for and the expectation would likely leave me feeling worse than I did at the outset. Some hours have passed since then and my thoughts have moved on to me concluding that I spend far too long worrying about my social interactions.

I have good cause to have some causes for concern of course. My autism makes interactions difficult. I miss cues, I offend people accidentally, people constantly fail to interact with me in a manner I find acceptable and I lack a good sense of humour. And yet, it does not matter. While I accept that no man, least me, is an island, it only takes a marginal amount of interaction to keep me from sinking into a sea of loneliness.

I do intend to try to attempt to practice my social skills more in the coming academic year. I may accept that I have impaired skills but I don’t believe I am a slave to biology and thus there is progress to be had with sufficient practice. In fact, this year I’ve grown more comfortable maintaining eye contact and I laugh without worrying about my ugly teeth. However, my prospective new perspective is one of relative impassivity towards the majority of those with whom I interact.

I have become okay with the fact that it’s always going to be the case that many people will loathe me after continued exposure. While it’s okay to feel regret when such bonds are broken, I feel that one must learn to move on quickly and inhibit emotions such as grief and insecurity which often threaten to present themselves.

I will never find success socially. At best, I’ll be tolerated and a far better use of my time and attention would be the interests I possess.

I recently competed in a local amateur piano competition and was troubled by the fact I had no support in the audience. If I were to let this insecurity prevent me from doing more performances and competitions then I wouldn’t get the performance exposure necessary to overcome my anxiety, nor would I be motivated to learn new material – a process necessary for my development as a pianist.

I think a return to how I existed when younger where I was focused more on things than people would be beneficial. Certainly being intimately familiar with my field will serve me well in the future as a scientist. There is obviously the concern that such a change would be a detrimental aversion as it is necessary to deal with others as an adult but I think I’m capable of finding a subtle balance.

I guess the difference between how I am now and how I think I should be can be demonstrated in how I’d approach an invitation to go out for a meal with a group.

Now, I’d wonder whether the group had members who’d want to befriend me. I’d wonder whether I’d be able to continue to attend the group so if a hypothetical person wanted to befriend me, I’d be able to continue that hypothetical relationship. I’d wonder whether the members in general would like me.

In the future, I’d hope that my focus would be on the food – whether it was affordable or the cuisine palatable. Whether or not the people liked or disliked me would be irrelevant, it would simply be positive that I got the chance to get out of the house and mingle with others. If friendships came out of such interactions, great. If nothing, that would be fine also. But would-be friends whose unreliability or other unwelcome characteristics were anxiety-inducing could be dismissed with minimal thought.

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July Update – Antidepressants (part 4)

I was eager for the diarrhoea to stop so once I was prescribed Citalopram I wasted no time in switching.

My digestive issues cleared up almost instantly and my anxiety remained low so I naively thought that my troubles were behind me. Oh, how I was wrong!

The day after I began taking the new medication I found myself occasionally laughing randomly. I found it a bit odd but thought nothing further of it. But this strange behaviour persisted that week and it became apparent that I’d developed mood swings. I would alternate between polar opposite emotions: happiness and melancholy, anger and elation, envy and gratitude for no discernible reason.

It also bled out into my interactions with others such as when I tearfully confronted a close friend of mine who’d been distant for some days. It was only after I’d returned to my more neutral, impassive state of mind that I realise I’d overreacted and apologised.

That weekend, the positive part of my mood swings stopped and the only emotions I felt were negative. It was like a -|xsinx| graph (x>0) where each spell had a greater negative amplitude.

I felt like there was a knife in my head and someone was twisting it around and around and causing me immense pain. I am somewhat masochistic and while initially I revelled in the misery of it all my limit was quickly breached and I just hoped that something would take the pain away. I have not cried so much in years.

For a period of time I even contemplated ending it all however my rational mind prevented me from making such a rash decision.

I tested the waters by revealing to a couple friends that I was somewhat down but their responses weren’t received well in the state I was. I was sensitive and on edge and everything people did was enraging or painful. I decided to delete Whatsapp for a few days as a result.

The worst of it seems to be over but now I’m left with a propensity for depression and melancholy. At work, I have to take breaks to cry occasionally and I am semi-regularly antisocial.

Truthfully i am not sure what is best:

1)To be trapped by anxiety, have few emotions, but have healthy bowel movements.

2)To have little anxiety, be happier but struggle with IBS-like problems.

3)To have little anxiety, be mostly neutral with infrequent dips into sadness and depression but retain healthy bowel movements.

I have since visited my Dr who assures me that my mind will calm down.

She’s upped my dosage and suggests that in my few weeks my mood will stabilise and when I’m on the optimal dosage of Citalopram, the happiness I’d manage to gain on Sertraline will return.

I can only hope she’s right…