19/07/16

[TRIGGER WARNING, Self harm referred to in the end]

I didn’t get to sleep till 1:30 or 2am. I cannot remember. I decided to go to the supermarket absurdly late (or early depending on perspective) so that I have some groceries to facilitate my re-commitment to healthy eating.

I quickly fell asleep and made sure to set multiple alarms so that I could be sure I awoke in time for work. As expected, I missed them all and stumbled out of bed at 6:50 am. With my bus reaching my stop at 7, there was no chance I’d make it so I decided to get an uber instead.

Work was average and flew by quickly as there was much to do with it being the last week of term. It was a furnace when I stepped out after my shift had ended. The Sun’s rays shone┬ámercilessly on my forehead, quickly turning my reactive lenses pitch black.

I’d planned to walk home and spend some long-awaited time on Pokemon Go but the sweltering heat prevented from doing so.

My tin box of a room is rather insulating so I spent the first hr of my time at home on the faux-leather couch in my living room enjoying the breeze from the window that overlooked the park across the road.

The rest of my evening was fairly boring as evenings go. I ovened some pizza for my meal, did some cleaning and watched a couple episodes of the Anime The Asterik War.

My day would have continued along in its banal direction and I would have probably failed to start this daily blog were it not for an argument I had with an acquaintance. It resulted in him blocking me and calling me a “weird fucking person”.

I have mixed feelings.

On one hand, I felt upset and saddened by his words and began to internalise the insult. One of my biggest insecurities is my autism and the fact that in many ways I feel like an automaton who does a poor job at human mimicry. When I’m reminded that I’m weird and unhumanlike it strikes a negative chord with me and I get really down. I am struck with the desire to prolong the feeling with pain by harming myself.

On the other hand, I feel largely apathetic. It is what it is. As he harboured these negative feelings towards me, an acquaintanceship or friendship wouldn’t have worked out. I knew what he wanted me to do and I’m reluctant to change my personality in order to fit into other peoples’ moulds.

I think it’s for the best but it has given me some food for thought. While I do wish to be true to myself and integral for closer friendships, I do think that being less than truthful like neurotypicals do might be necessary in order to survive socially.

I will write more on this in a future post.