July Update – Antidepressants (part 4)

I was eager for the diarrhoea to stop so once I was prescribed Citalopram I wasted no time in switching.

My digestive issues cleared up almost instantly and my anxiety remained low so I naively thought that my troubles were behind me. Oh, how I was wrong!

The day after I began taking the new medication I found myself occasionally laughing randomly. I found it a bit odd but thought nothing further of it. But this strange behaviour persisted that week and it became apparent that I’d developed mood swings. I would alternate between polar opposite emotions: happiness and melancholy, anger and elation, envy and gratitude for no discernible reason.

It also bled out into my interactions with others such as when I tearfully confronted a close friend of mine who’d been distant for some days. It was only after I’d returned to my more neutral, impassive state of mind that I realise I’d overreacted and apologised.

That weekend, the positive part of my mood swings stopped and the only emotions I felt were negative. It was like a -|xsinx| graph (x>0) where each spell had a greater negative amplitude.

I felt like there was a knife in my head and someone was twisting it around and around and causing me immense pain. I am somewhat masochistic and while initially I revelled in the misery of it all my limit was quickly breached and I just hoped that something would take the pain away. I have not cried so much in years.

For a period of time I even contemplated ending it all however my rational mind prevented me from making such a rash decision.

I tested the waters by revealing to a couple friends that I was somewhat down but their responses weren’t received well in the state I was. I was sensitive and on edge and everything people did was enraging or painful. I decided to delete Whatsapp for a few days as a result.

The worst of it seems to be over but now I’m left with a propensity for depression and melancholy. At work, I have to take breaks to cry occasionally and I am semi-regularly antisocial.

Truthfully i am not sure what is best:

1)To be trapped by anxiety, have few emotions, but have healthy bowel movements.

2)To have little anxiety, be happier but struggle with IBS-like problems.

3)To have little anxiety, be mostly neutral with infrequent dips into sadness and depression but retain healthy bowel movements.

I have since visited my Dr who assures me that my mind will calm down.

She’s upped my dosage and suggests that in my few weeks my mood will stabilise and when I’m on the optimal dosage of Citalopram, the happiness I’d manage to gain on Sertraline will return.

I can only hope she’s right…

 

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