The diagnosis – was it helpful?

I think a lot of people will think that the answer to this question is “yes”. After all, there are a range of support services for those on the spectrum and people tend to be more forgiving of the odd social error when they learn you have a social disibility.

In my case, however, I’d argue that the diagnosis has been a hinderence. I’ve become hyper aware of my flaws and bring my sensitivity to my shortcomings along to each relationship.

This has not been good. People can sense when you have esteem issues and in my experience, it tends to be a repulsive trait. Unfortunately, I’ve thus been led to do certain things which are astonishingly cringeworthy in retrospect.

One such thing occured earlier this year with a guy I was seeing casually. I was at a loss to his intentions. In part, due to my ever-present ineptitude but more so his indecisiveness and irritatingly laid back nature.

I effectively gave him T&Cs for our relationship which I wanted him to process and amend apropriately. Needless to say, that adventure was stopped shortly in its tracks and I believe it’s a perfect example of this recurring problem of mine. That my fear of being judged harshly for my weaknesses has led to my tendency to attempt to over analyse social situations and micromanage the expectations of those with whom I’m speaking.
Ironicly though…this usually results in behaviors which are way worse than anything I’d do due to my condition.

I’m sure there are those to whom the diagnosis brought relief and comfort but I forever long for the bliss of my ignorance.

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2 thoughts on “The diagnosis – was it helpful?

  1. Hi, I thought I’d share my experience and say that being diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of 28 was a mixed blessing. On the one hand it was a relief to be able to give a name to what I had always known made me different from others; on the other, I became hypersensitive to making social gaffes. Even today, seven years later, I was at a social situation and I noticed that every time I spoke, two of the people around the table made eye contact and laughed. I didn’t know if what I was saying was silly, inappropriate, too loud, off-topic, or what I was doing wrong, and it made me so insecure I just stopped talking. Had I not had the diagnosis I’d probably have ignored them and kept talking.

    Over time, however, I have come to appreciate my diagnosis. It has helped me to accept who I am and to understand my strengths and limitations. It’s never an easy ride for anyone, but my life since the diagnosis has been significantly better than my confused and crisis-ridden life before. Would I rather not have autism? That’s a different question altogether.

    1. Hello Gilian. Apologies for the delay in replying. I’ve been experiencing some writer’s block when it came to this blog.
      My emotional age appears to be less than my mental one and I found myself criticizing post ideas which I found to be whiney. As such, most ideas were binned and I’ve not been monitoring this as well I should.

      Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s good to know that others can sympathise with my own feelings. I am certainly glad your life now is significantly better!

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